It had to have been the random blog post, because nothing else was different. Yesterday morning, I woke up with food hangover (or so I thought), because I ate allthedessert. I had a brilliant plan to wake up, go to my 8:30 am dentist appointment, go for my 5-miler from the dentist’s (conveniently located 5 steps from local trail), shower, go get Megan from the airport, have lunch with a friend who I haven’t seen in AGES, and go see a couple of friends play at a local bar.
I should have known it would all go wrong when I got to the dentist’s and the receptionist told me, “oh, we have you down for 9:30!” Ok, really no biggie, I’ll just run now. So I did. And I felt craaaaappy, but again, suspected food hangover, right? I came back to sit through the not-enough-flossing lecture and then drove home. Where I HAD TO LAY DOWN NOW OR I WILL DIE OMG, but I had to go get Megan. So I jumped in the hot hot hot shower (should have known…why can’t I get warm?), came downstairs, took one look at my husband and realized there was no way in hell I was going to the airport because I couldn’t really see him anymore. I was quite literally blacking out.
Cue the rest of the day: wishing (out loud) to die, so that the pain would stop. The stomach cramps, the head pounding, the fact that every square inch of my body hurt. I had some very interesting fever dreams – like the one where my legs just needed to build the David sculpture? – but really, that was a 24 hours I could have done without, ya know?
I’m better today, but am more tired than I was post-marathon, which is a super bummer, because I was having a hard enough time staying motivated to run lately. I don’t need anymore reasons to sit on my butt. But I guess I’ll take this one and maybe just blog some more?
Blogging and stuff. Sorta.
You guys. (if you’re still there) I have no excuses. I’m lazy. All I’ve been doing lately is depending on everyone else in blogland to entertain me, and I’ve not returned the favor – although, I can almost guarantee that no one I’m reading has linked back to me. But just in case there’s anyone out there who still cares, here’s what’s up (cripes, the bullets…again. I’m sorry):
*teaching: doing it. Love two of my classes, tolerate the other three.
*momming: doing it. Love all three, want to kill one, tolerate the other two.
*wifing: doing it. Love the one. Don’t want to kill him. Today.
*running: doing it, when I want to. Not doing it when I don’t. My marathon in Arizona was A-MAZE-balls and I’m not sure where I want to go with that. I SO want to BQ (that’s “Boston Qualify” if you’re like most of my irl friends and don’t know the lingo), but that’s a loooong 7 minutes, especially when I already have other travel plans for the fall.
*the rest of life: well…I’m working on it. I’ve been pretty disconnected from friends and family, which has given me time to work on my kids and hub. I’ve been slacking on reading. I’ve been traveling like a fiend. I baked today and it was holy YUM. I need to do more of that.
So, that’s it. I’ll try harder, y’all. Here, look…I’ll post an actual PHOTO. From my race. Where I seriously loved running. Don’t I look happy?
If you know me, you know that for the past four years I’ve been slaving away at being student council adviser. If you’ve been reading this blog, you’ve probably rolled your eyes at all my complaints about the hours, the kids, the parents, the drama. So sorry about that. I finally did give it up. In fact, I’ve pretty much become one of “those” teachers – I roll in at 7:10, teach, then roll out as soon as I can (which, before you decide to bitch about how I’m overpaid, is usually 5:30 pm, when Megan is done with practice and I’ve *almost* caught up with grading). It’s been nice…the weekends belong to me again. I don’t get text messages from students panicking about fabric color. I’ve only had one voicemail at school this year and it was from a student. I’m nearly anonymous. But here’s the thing:
I don’t like being anonymous.
I realize this sounds stupid. After all that complaining and now I decide I miss it?!? Yes. Let me be clear. I miss the kids. I miss the fun. I miss being involved in the things that make our school such a family. Not being a part of, well, everything is foreign to me. Our back to school assembly about drove me to tears. So today, during the homecoming assembly, I went to Target. I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t walk in there and see how everything had changed. How my kids were someone else’s kids. It would be so much easier if I wasn’t here, but I *am* here. And I feel like a fucking fool.
It’s not that I think I could do better. It’s not that I don’t think “my” kids aren’t doing a great job. It’s not that I want to take it back, because my goodness, is it nice to hang out with my own kids. I just miss it. And I very quickly need to find a better way to handle it than retail therapy.
Remember when summer vacation used to be three months long? When school didn’t start until after Labor Day? Ah…those were the days. This year I have to be back at school on something like August 15! There are only seven weeks of break left. Seven. And two of those are spoken for – a week of student council camp (yes, I know I gave it up, but I’m on the committee for the state, so I’m sort of expected to be at camp) and a week of AP training. Which leaves only five weeks. Five weeks to mentally, physically, and emotionally prepare for the coming year. Because let’s face it, as a teacher, summer isn’t about taking a break from school. It’s about taking some days off and then thinking about, reading for, planning out the coming year. I will have three preps next year, one of them brand new to me, and I have a ton of work to do. I just hate the thought of using MY time to do it. I’d much rather do what I do now – run, watch a little Mickey Mouse Clubhouse, sip coffee, cruise the internets, read for pleasure, play with Ainsley, clean up the house (did I say that?!?), maybe run to the store, and generally let my day do its own thing. You know…stuff like this:
The kind who never makes her kids feel small by yelling at them.
The kind who willingly does crafts on the weekends.
The kind who has a spotless home.
The kind who grows vegetables, cans and jars said vegetables, and can keep flowers alive.
The kind who has infinite patience.
The kind who manages to always find time for others.
The kind who never has a mean thing to say about anyone.
Instead, these beautiful daughters got me. A mom with a temper. A mom who only truly cleans house once a year. A mom who will try to persuade the kids to read rather than paint because she doesn’t want the mess. A mom who will leave for a week at a time. A mom who yells. A mom who is selfish.
Honestly, I know it’s futile to compare myself with others. I know there isn’t an ideal mom and there certainly is *not* a right way to do things. It doesn’t stop me from wanting. Could I do all those things? Probably (well, maybe not the patience thing). Will I? Probably not. Because there are lessons to be learned from my perceived imperfections: It’s okay to tell the world how you feel. People sometimes say what they don’t mean, but it doesn’t mean they don’t love you. We all screw up – that’s what forgiveness is for. Loving yourself means you can love others more.
Only a little more than six weeks until school is over. Something like 34 school days? I can do this. I have to do this. But I just don’t wanna. :::insert foot-stomp here:::
I’m not doing student council next year, which is giving up a second job (and taking a 10% pay cut – ugh). I can’t really explain how happy that makes me, but for the next month or so there is so much I don’t want to do anymore. I don’t want to go to school this Sunday for the Hair-Raising event – the event that collects hair to make wigs for cancer patients. Yes, I’m bitter about going to THAT. And I don’t want to go on senior retreat. And I don’t want to talk at our spring induction. I just want to quietly go away.
Of course, I can’t do that. Every move I make, I’m watched. Every action I take could have implications on me entering administration later. A good friend reminded me tonight that I have to keep the goal in mind, but I’m not sure what the goal is anymore. Why am I doing this? Teaching, I mean. Why? There are only about 20 kids I truly enjoy seeing every day. There are only about 20 teachers I truly enjoy working with. I hate papers. I hate parents (sorry ’bout that post, by the way). I hate the time. I hate whiny kids. I hate being so tired all. the. time.
I know I write about this a lot, this exhaustion and frustration, and I’m sorry. It’s where I am right now. Frustrated and exhausted. So hard to get through every day. And I’ve brilliantly added the marathon to the mix. Funny how the running feels like the least drain on me, isn’t it?
I promise to not stay here too long. There are a lot of positive things on the horizon, I just gotta get past this. Just gotta get through May 31.
will be me, on my longest long run before the marathon. I’m going to take the advice of my long-run partner and instead of running 20 miles am going to run 3 hours and 20 minutes. He thinks (and he’s right) that it’s more important for me to get used to the time than the miles. Considering my 19 miler took exactly 3 hours, that makes sense. I’d hate to get to that 3 hour mark and still have an HOUR to go without being used to that. So off we’ll go…out for 1:40, back for 1:40. Holy shit. That’s a long-ass time. Not as long as the marathon will be, but because it’s a race, it will be different? (hear that? that’s the sound of me fervently hoping it will somehow just fly by) I’m guessing that time will get me between 22 and 23, and you know what? I can do *anything* for 3 more miles.
All I know is that I’m SO tired of running. I still enjoy the runs – in fact, Saturday’s “long” run of “only” 12 miles was super solid. Today was a 5-miler that was just…nice. It’s getting so difficult to just get out the door. Every day is scheduled around my run. Every weekend is scheduled around my run. Almost every day I hurt. I ice. I roll. I stretch. I massage. I don’t know how people with full time jobs and kids and husbands do this all year long. I don’t know how their bodies hold up! As excited as I am about this race, I’m fairly certain I won’t become a “marathoner” beyond the slim possibility of maybe doing one a year. I’m really looking forward to a summer of running what I want when I want. I’m really looking forward to some rest. I’m really looking forward to a half.
Wow. I just wrote that. I’m looking forward to a HALF. A year ago, I was a week out from my first half ever, freaking out because I hadn’t run more than 10 miles since college. Now I’m officially faster than I was in college and I’m a month out from a 26.2. Excuse me while I go eat some more candy to ward off the mini-freak out I feel coming on.