This one’s for you, Kerry!

As she so succinctly pointed out today, “You haven’t updated your blog. You suck.” Yes, I do. Here’s the hard part – not excuses, because you know how much I hate them, just explanation – I can’t update at school! I can read blogs, I can get to my post page, but when I click on “Publish,” everything disappears. It doesn’t even show up in my drafts! So when funny things happen at school, or odd things occur to me, I never remember them. By the time I get home, change, go suffer through 30 minutes on the treadmill, kick ass on Jeopardy!, eat dinner and get online, they’re all gone. I realize that I’m too young for my mind to be this much like a sieve, and that frightens me more than a little.

On to the good news…I saw Kerry today! She looks wonderful! I cannot even understand how she is doing this – being pregnant is hard enough (okay, let’s not lie, for me, being pregnant is just about the worst state of being), but being pregnant and literally stuck on my ass would push me over an edge I’ve never even seen. Major props to you, buddy…I hope you liked your Runza. 🙂

So obviously I didn’t go to school today. Guess what? I’m not going tomorrow, either. Know why? Because I don’t want to. I’m staying home because I can. I have like 13 days worth of leave, so I figure I might as well use them. Today I only went to Denver and back. Tomorrow I will probably clean the house, go to the library, maybe get some new running shoes…oh! and do taxes. I’ll have Ryan with me tomorrow, too, so I suppose I’ll do a bit of mothering. Not too much, though…wouldn’t want her to get too used to THAT.

Alright, I’m off to stop drinking wine. I’m taking the Jeopardy! online test tonight at 9. I took it last year and it kicked my ass. I have a hard time reconciling why the online test is so fucking hard when the show is so fucking easy. I’m not kidding. I win at Jeopardy! every night. I could be the new Ken – except I wouldn’t pull a Quiz Show after $1.2 million. I’d be around for so long that Trebek would be asking me for makeup tips. Wish me luck!

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There are great things ahead, my friends

My favorite part of President Obama’s (squeeeeee!) speech today? Choosing hope over fear.

I’m afraid to leave my cozy classroom. I’m afraid to suck as a principal. I’m afraid that I won’t be good. I’m afraid to let my family down. I’m afraid to apply for any of the elementary jobs that opened yesterday.

Then I think about some things: that the toughest thing I’ve had to face is losing a parent. I’ve never been truly hungry. I’ve always had a home. I’ve always had a family. I’ve never had to look at my children and tell them we are alone in the world. My parents were always gainfully employed. My extended family would have been there if I needed them. I think of all these things and realize that I will never need to be afraid. I can choose hope. I can choose to dream. I can choose to believe – in America, in our new President, in my children, in all children, in my husband…and in MYSELF.

So today I choose hope over fear. I will apply for jobs that are not in my school. I will work and study and learn so that I can provide for my children. I will HOPE. And then….I will act.

Thank goodness for Kelsey

Every once in a while as a teacher, you come across a student who you really connect with. It might be because you have a lot in common, because you recognize yourself in that person, really the options are limitless. I’ve found that in Kelsey. She’s a senior who has struggled a bit in the last calendar year. For some reason, she has felt comfortable enough to let me and Jess into her life. She has been fighting depression, anxiety, and a host of other issues lately, and I’m just glad that we can be here for her. She spends just about every Saturday afternoon with Ryan (and Megan when she’s here), she often joins us for family nights on the weekend, she is my teacher aide and brings me lattes on Wednesday mornings…and in return, I answer my phone when she needs me.

She just left. She called me at about 6:30 and asked if I could take a drive with her. I had drunk a glass of wine, so instead I invited her over. We just hung out and chatted, watched Grey’s, and I think maybe just being here helped her feel better. She, unlike every other teenager I know, thanked me before she left, just like she always does. I know she feels like she’s intruding on our life, but the truth is that I’m happy to provide for her whatever it is that she needs. She’s so amazing.

Tonight, to be truthful, I was grateful for the distraction. I’ve been on the verge of a breakdown for days. I don’t know if the pms was contributing or what, but I seriously have been on edge. I’m in some kind of funk, and right now, I truly really hate my job. I love the time I have with my students, but the rest could just disappear and I’d be happy. There is just so MUCH slipping through the cracks of school stupidity that is falling directly on me, and I can. not. do. it.

I don’t like to talk about it, because then I feel like some kind of braggart, but I do a LOT. And it’s not really the doing that is bothering me. I’m MORE than happy to do. What I’m concerned about is the time to do it. I realized today that the interim assistant principal does about half of what I do and is being paid the same. HALF.

Am I a teacher? Am I an activities director? Am I an administrative intern? Am I all THREE? I feel like I’m being pulled in those directions and more…let’s not forget that I’m a wife and mother. I don’t know where to go. I don’t know what to do.

But I know that for a few hours tonight, none of that mattered. Because I was a girl, hanging out with another girl, gossiping and watching Grey’s. Thank you, Kels. I know you won’t understand this for a while, but you are saving me in just the way you think I’m saving you.

I KNOW that!

A year ago, Jesse and I embarked on a pretty significant journey – the lose some weight and tone up so we look good on our vacation journey. It totally worked. I ended up losing 17 pounds, running the BolderBoulder, and looking gooooood, and he lost almost THIRTY pounds! This took about 6 months and we felt good about making those changes and thought they would last.

Well. Fast forward to today. I’ve put back on 15 of those pounds. I feel like shit. My clothes are tight. I can’t seem to convince myself that eating more healthily is a good idea. I also can’t seem to stop enjoying my nightly glass (or two, or three glasses) of wine. We started going to the gym again last week – even though we quit and our membership is up on the 2nd because they raised our rates SO much – and I feel good running. I’ve stopped snacking so much during the day. I’m trying hard to drink more water.

But I just don’t care. I’m completely apathetic, but I hate spending any time naked with my husband. I have no motivation, but I’m completely disgusted by myself. I *know* I’m not fat. I *know* it’s about being healthy, not skinny. I *know* that I CAN do it, I just can’t seem to figure out why I don’t WANT to do it.

I have to go now. My wine glass is getting low, and I have a new book waiting.

Things that I think are, for lack of a better word, stupid

*parents who email me the first week of school wondering why their child got a bad grade on the first reading check quiz. Isn’t the “why” obvious?

*that track starts in 35 days

*that the people who need to be parents often aren’t

*when I catch myself playing the role of Judgy McJudgerson

*being 25 = eating whatever the hell you want and looking hot. being almost 35 = feeling so paranoid about the size of your belly during “intimate time” with your husband that you pass your favorite cupcake store and you do not collect the equivalent of $200.

*Heath Ledger being a dumb dumb dumb drug addict

*my sister for staying married to a worthless piece of shit when she could do SOOOOOO much better

*adults who act like teenagers – in the way they speak, the way they handle confrontation, the way they try to intimidate with really weak glares from across a crowded room

*Indiana Jones Part IV

*that I can’t play Pac-Man on the xbox with an old-school joystick, so I SUCK, when really, I’m an awesome Pac-Man player

*girls who think it’s “romantic” or “right” or “wonderful” or “amazing” to get married at the age of 18. Or just because they’re pregnant

*the new “enhanced” ending of Return of the Jedi…you know…where they replaced the old Anakin Skywalker with Hayden Christensen. Don’t get me wrong, I think Hayden is H-O-T, but why you gotta try to fix what ain’t broke?

*viruses that try to take over your computer, necessitating a full afternoon of cleaning and defragmenting

*paying teachers less than garbage men…oh, sorry…sanitation workers

*sitting here trying to make decisions about things that aren’t ready for deciding

I will follow you into the dark…

If you have never heard this song by Death Cab for Cutie, do me (and you) a favor and go listen. It is beautiful. It is heart-wrenching. It so perfectly sums up what I wish I could say about how I feel about my family. It was just on Scrubs, in case you’re wondering where that came from.

I’m hoping in the next few days to get some San Diego pictures up. It was a wonderful trip. Jesse and I really needed the time together. It amazes me that we are able to put up with each other for as long as we do, honestly. We live together. We work together. We are rarely apart. Eventually this begins to wear on us, and even though I initially feel like we should spend some time apart, I’ve noticed that spending time together away from school and kids and real life is what is best for us. We loved our time there. Even though the Donkeys lost their asses and we spent the night we were supposed to leave sleeping on McDonald’s booth benches.

We returned home just in time for a *thrilling* New Year’s Eve celebration – we kept Ryan up until about 11:45 and then went to bed at 12:10 – after one glass of wine. And that was all the celebrating in this house. We really are getting old, aren’t we? *le sigh*

School has started again. I have a student teacher, and it would be difficult for me to express how happy I will be when she begins teaching. I love my job, most of the time. But I’m tired. I really am. Today I lost it on one of my favorite kids. Literally lost it. I was red. I was yelling. I was pissed. I pulled out my most powerful line – “If you don’t like it, LEAVE.” (he didn’t) To be fair to myself, he did earn it. But it was their first day back, and that was how I greeted them. :::smacks forehead::: I felt bad. I still do. Nothing I can do about it now, I suppose. Maybe I got through to him, but I know I probably didn’t. I’m going to feel like a complete asshole if he’s not in class on Friday because he switched classes, though.

Also, I realized about three days ago that in a month we will be registering Ryan for kindergarten. I didn’t do any of this with Megan, so this is a completely new shock for me. How is my precious baby this big? Have I really been here for almost five years? How on EARTH have I made it this long without any more kids? 🙂

With that, I’m sending all my love and good thoughts tonight to my dear friends Kerry and Jeff and their soon-to-be-born-and-spoiled-by-their-Auntie-Tara twin boys. I love you all. Even though we haven’t been ‘together’ much lately, you inspire me every day with your courage, humor and faith. You are the parents this world needs, and I couldn’t be prouder to call you my friends. Everyone do me a favor and hug the ones you love tonight for just an extra second, okay?