Well, this was quite disturbing

On my way home tonight, “Wind Beneath My Wings” by Bette Midler came on the radio. Yes, I was tuned in to Delilah. Leave me alone – you already know how I feel about the cheesy love song. I started to reminisce about singing that song at my high school graduation – dedicated to our parents, of course – and that led to thinking about that movie Beaches (waaaaaaaaaaaaaah!!!!!!!), which somehow led me to think about who exactly is my hero. Who would I dedicate this song to now that I know my “parents” were actually full of shit? Who is the someone that I really look up to, who is “everything I wish I could be?” The lyrics also speak to someone who is supportive, who is always there to inspire and love…and I was absolutely stuck.

I have no hero.

Now before you start lecturing me about the importance of my husband, please understand that I love him and respect him and we have the most amazing marriage and relationship. To a certain extent, he has characteristics I would like to be *like*, but he is not my hero. And you can forget the parents – my mom wasn’t heroic: she knew she was going to die, but she chose to spend the last 9 months of her life away from us, and my dad? Are you kidding? Yeah…um…no. There’s my aunt, who took us in and raised us and whom I view and respect and love as my “mom,” but, no.

So I started thinking about professional heroes. I admire some people I’ve never met, like Pat Summitt. The woman is a GOD in coaching and I would give my left arm to even job shadow her for a day, but I don’t know her. She’s not in my cell phone to call up when I’m having a bad (or good) day. There are some teachers who I respect, and administrators I have learned from (their mistakes, though), and then of course there’s God, but does God really fit the role of hero? Considering I haven’t been to mass in about a year, I’m not sure God even knows my name anymore.

So here I am – heroless. This might explain why I’m feeling so frustrated lately – I have no sounding board. Why I’m feeling so lost – I have no mentor. Why I’m isolating myself – I have no connection. And this disturbed me. But it doesn’t make me sad, and with more reflection, this doesn’t surprise me. I’ve been on my own literally and figuratively for so much of life that it’s become second nature. It is difficult for me to rely on others, to put my faith in someone else.

I think it’s time to do that, though. I have to find a way to make this time in my life a positive one, and this might be a way to do it – to face my fears of dependence and disappointment, to truly have faith in another person, to take a risk.

Maybe just doing that will ensure that my daughters will always have a hero in me.

Advertisements

4 Comments

  1. Tara, you can be your own hero until you find the right person to fill that position. But your blog tonight really makes me wonder who my hero is too. FWIW, I look up to you as someone who inspires me. Even though we live a gazillion miles apart now, how you balance your professional and personal life is incredible to me. I hope I can be as good a mom as you are one day. Hugs!

  2. You are not alone in this one. You’ve written out something that I’ve been thinking about for the past week. Now, what to do about it?

  3. Ditto Leah – be your own hero! You do amazing things for a lot of people, and I guarantee that you have made a difference in at least one person’s life. Doesn’t that make you feel good?

  4. I’m unsure about my hero too. My mom is still here but you know about her choices and priorities when we were kids…I definately have mentors – women mostly, that I admire and can look up to in one area or another – but, full-on hero? No. I don’t think so…Who is our Wonder Woman or Superman?


Comments RSS TrackBack Identifier URI

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s