I just don’t want to. Don’t. Want. To.

Make a decision, that is.

The assistant principal position for my school was posted on Tuesday. I can’t decide if I want to apply. My life is fucking chaotic right now. Let me give you a peek into my fucked up brain:
I can’t focus.
I can’t think.
I am constantly on the verge of tears.
I don’t want to get out of bed in the morning.
I haven’t been home before 8 on any school night in what feels like a hundred years.
I haven’t had sex in so long, I can’t remember it.
I drink too much.
I don’t sleep enough.
I am more exhausted and tired than I have ever been in my life. EVER. Including the times when the girls were infants.

I want to be assistant principal. I know that taking that position would allow me to grow and I would get to keep me student council position and do the things I love to do. I just don’t think I want to be one at my school. Because I don’t know who will read this, I have to just say this: Knowing what I know, it would be foolish and egotistical of me to think that somehow things would be different because of me. I don’t know if I’m ready to make those kinds of deals and commitments for a measly $20,000 a year. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what I want. One day I want to be a principal, the next day, not. One day I want to have another baby, the next day, not. One day I want to coach track, the next day, not. I feel like a fucking schizophrenic. I literally feel like my brain and body are going in at least five different directions and I don’t know how to pull it back together.

I’m so confused. I feel so alone. I just want someone to tell me what to do. My dear dear dear husband supports whatever I want, which would be wonderful if I knew what I want. I just don’t know. I’m lost. I don’t know what to do, and I don’t want to make this decision. I just don’t want to. What I really want to do is go curl up in a ball and cry myself to sleep – but I can’t do that, either. So I will continue to bottle this up until I either kill someone or just explode.

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6 Comments

  1. I don’t have any advice, but I just wanted to say that I know how you are feeling. I’ve definitely been there. I’ll send lots of hugs and good thoughts your way that things get better soon!

  2. I think it’s time to talk with someone you respect and like that you can talk to who isn’t emotionally vested in the situation. Getting perspective from the outside is helpful to me, that’s why I like the Nest sometimes. So many with differing opinions and offerings. I’m not saying to go there, but look around you and use your resources. I don’t like the sound of your distress, you’re going to implode…BIG HUGS and talk to someone!

  3. First: bottle of wine.
    Second: HUG
    Third: apply for the position. Applying doesn’t mean anything, except that you are interested. If it’s offered to you, well, this is the time you have to explore your feelings and think about what you really want. But, if you don’t apply for it and let it pass, you may someday look back and regret it. No one says you have to take the position.
    Fourth: HUG

  4. I cannot pretend to know what you are going through, but, nevertheless, I love ya, Tari and I’ll keep you in my prayers. It’s good to know that whatever happens, your man will be there, isn’t it?So will your girls, your family, your friends – old and new – Life is Good my old friend. Life is Good.

  5. For nearly 2 years after becoming a way too young widow, I know exactly how you feel. I am a first grade teacher and barely hung onto my job. I applied for a position out of state, interviewed and they loved me. I didn’t accept the position, I just felt fabulous for giving it my best shot and being appreciated.
    Go with your heart.

  6. Ugh, I so know how you feel. I really don’t feel like I can juggle school and my family, but I have got to do it. Apply, all they can say is no. Or maybe yes and then you get to turn them down. Or take the job until you find the place where you CAN make the difference. Although I believe in my heart that you would make the difference there.


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