Wow, I am a bitch

I am not writing this to be flip. Or funny. Or sarcastic. Or ironic. I am just so damn frustrated and sad and annoyed. So if I offend, I do apologize. Heaven knows I haven’t ever censored myself here, and I’m not starting now. Besides, it’s mine.

I thank God that I have never had to deal with infertility. There is no way I could have faced months and months (even years) of disappointment. The people I know who have done that truly have my sincere admiration and awe. Because I. Am. Pissed.

I hate hate hate what happened to us. I cannot STAND seeing ultrasound pictures on the knot. I see our neighbor’s friend who is pregnant and I’m jealous. When I see babies, I want to cry. I watched Breaking Bad tonight and the wife is hugely knocked up and I was sad. I swing quickly between depressed and enraged. It’s just not fair.

I am perfectly aware that life is not fair. We don’t always get what we want. But I can’t help but wonder what exactly we did to deserve this. What rule did I break? Was it that extra ride on Space Mountain? I’m not superstitious enough to believe that I’m being punished for some terrible past deed, but I can’t help but wonder, “what did I do?” I know that I have to trust that there was a medical reason for what happened, that my body knew better than I did, but I take a daily venture into the land of “Damn-I-am-finally-reaping-what-I-sowed” and I hate it.

How do I make peace with this? How do I see the pregnant teachers at school without feeling like I will never breathe fully again? How do I look at that GOD DAMN Disney World onesie we looked so hard for without instantly tearing up? Do I throw away the ultrasound picture from when our baby had a heartbeat? Do I stop listening to songs that make me cry? How do I try again in a couple of months without the paranoia that something terrible will happen? What if it does?

This is just so damn stupid. I saw a heartbeat. I was almost 10 weeks. This shit just isn’t supposed to happen. The odds were in our favor. So what the hell? We are good parents. We can provide. We can raise a productive member of society. We have love to share. And now I feel bad for feeling bad, which doesn’t make much more sense. I think about all of those women out there who can’t even have one child when I already have two and I feel guilty, which is even bitchier. I know that I should be grateful for what I have, and I AM, I swear it. But…again…what the hell?

I suppose that asking “why?” is like asking for the secret of life. I know that no one can answer it. I just wish someone could. I wish I could find a reason that makes sense. None of it makes sense. I’m not even making sense.

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5 Comments

  1. I wish there were answers. I’m so sorry that you (or any of us) have to go through this. Just because you didn’t have it *as* hard as anyone with infertility does not trivialize the pain you feel now.

  2. Oh God Tara, I feel awful for you. I’ve been thinking about you and just haven’t picked up the phone. My heart goes out to you and J. I’m so very sorry. I know it doesn’t help to hear this, but somehow you will get through this. You didn’t deserve it and I hope you can find a way to believe that.

  3. I can’t even imagine what you must be going through. I just wanted to let you know that even though we don’t know eachother very well, you are in my thoughts and prayers.

  4. I love you

  5. Oh hon *hugs*

    Unfortunately none of us have the answers. But I think I can say with confidence that this wasn’t a punishment or bad karma or the result of something you did/said/thought.


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