Just an update, if you care to know

I went to the doctor yesterday for my follow-up visit. I should have known it wouldn’t be great news when one nurse came out and told me the doctor was running 40 minutes behind and would I like to reschedule?, followed by the other nurse who told me the doctor really wanted to talk to me about my results and would I mind hanging around?

So an hour and 15 minutes after my scheduled appointment, I got the news. Pathology (who knew they did pathology tests on this sort of thing? Not me.) showed I had a partial molar pregnancy. Apparently, this means two sperm fertilized the egg at the same time, so I was growing an embryo that was doomed from the start – too many chromosomes, not a chance in hell of ever making it. This was strangely comforting. An answer is an answer, after all, and now my dear dear husband is more convinced than ever that his sperm are indeed AMAZING. I mean, how else could TWO of them have done the job? (God bless his ability to make me laugh at my lowest times.)

Here’s what comes next: weekly blood draws until my hcg (the pregnancy) hormone goes down to zero and stays at zero for three weeks in a row. This could take anywhere from 2-8 weeks. Yippee. Here’s what can go right (for the sake of being positive): in a few weeks, the hcg is gone. Two full cycles after that, we can try for another baby. Here’s what can go wrong at this stage (because let’s face it, that’s who I am): my hcg levels can plateau out, never reach zero, or even rise. That’s because the molar part of the whole mess can actually grow back. It can grow like cancer until it invades other organs and could quite possibly, for lack of a more official medical term, fuck my shit up. If those levels don’t do what they are supposed to do, I have chemotherapy. That’s right, chemo. I just hope my hundred-dollar hair doesn’t fall out.

And in a recent, and very exciting (NOT) development, this morning I started passing tissue and bleeding heavily – more than a full WEEK after I stopped. Do you know what it’s like to look at those clumps and know what it was? To wonder which part of what that is? If you do, I’m very very sorry. If you don’t, I hope you never ever ever ever do.

So. Here is my most powerful thought: When the FUCK will this end? I mean, seriously??!!? I would like to move on, thankyouverymuch. I don’t want to even go to the bathroom. I would prefer NOT to have blood drawn every week – and really, who has time for that? I got those orders on Wednesday and I will not get there until tomorrow. I don’t want a weekly reminder of what went wrong. I don’t want to have to entertain the idea of pumping my body full of killer chemicals.

Lest I be accused of feeling ungrateful, I would like to point out that I have two perfectly healthy and beautiful and wonderful children, for whom I am so thankful. I am married to the most supportive, giving, and understand man to ever walk the planet (I shudder to think what my ex would have done here). I know I am lucky to have good health insurance to help defray these costs. I am alive. I am working. I am generally happy. I KNOW that these things are good. But they won’t give that baby a chance to live. They won’t allow me to go back in time and only let one sperm fertilize that ill-fated egg.

So there it is. This blog, that started as a place for me to bitch about stupid kids, has become a place for me to talk about what might possibly be the most confounding and deeply personal thing to ever happen to me. I have had less trouble making peace with the death of my own mother. So that “all because” has taken on a whole new meaning for me… and I want to thank all of you who have taken the time to remind me that the world only continues on all because of the kindness of the human heart.

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20 Comments

  1. YOU…are an amazing woman. That is all.

  2. I’m so sorry. I hope this ends as soon as possible. (I know that was s stupid thing to say but I don’t know what else to say.) Zombie hugs and a huge glass of wine.

  3. I am so sorry, Tara. I’m sending a big ol’ hug to you from SE Aurora.

  4. Now I feel like an ass for not picking up the phone the other night. =( What a load of crap, Tara. I know from personal experience that the weekly blood draws are only a constant reminder of what you don’t have, and I wouldn’t wish that feeling on anyone. I’m so sorry…and I will hope and pray that your beta goes down to a zero so that you can just be done with this, and start focusing on trying for another little one. Love you, buddy.

  5. Tara – you are such a strong woman and I have the utmost respect for you. I’m sorry you’re still dealing with this and hope it ends soon, bringing closure and healing. My thoughts & prayers are with you.

  6. Still love you.

  7. I’m so sorry that you’re having to go through all of this. I hope everything works itself out so you can move on. Definitely keeping you in my thoughts.

  8. I am sending lots of good thoughts and hugs your way! I am so sorry you are having to go through this!

  9. I do know what that feels like and I am so so sorry that you do too now!! Prayers that the hcg levels go down quickly and that this can end soon for you (at least the physical part, I know the emotional part is so tough!) *HUGS*

  10. Tara- I’m so sorry you have to go through this. I’m thinking about you.

  11. You have my love, and a shoulder to cry on if need be.

    I was going to make a crack about J’s super-sperm the other day, but didn’t think it was appropriate. I’m glad he said it. :op

  12. Tara-I am so very sorry. I wish I could make it all go away…the pain, the doubt, the anger, the symptoms…everything. I can only send you my love and admiration for your strength.

  13. Oh Tara, I’m so sorry you’re dealing with all of this. I hope those hcg levels plunge so that you can physically recover. I’m thinking of you and wishing you strength as you deal with everything.

    And please don’t feel that you have to defend yourself your readers; we’re reading your blog because we care about you. Just because you’re hurting doesn’t mean you don’t appreciate the blessings you have. You’re in a lot of pain, no matter how good or bad the rest of your life is.

  14. Tara, I’m not even sure what to say. If I lived closer, I’d take you golfing so at least you could hit the crap out of the ball for your frustration and pain. I love you and wish you weren’t going through this. Thinking of you and sending big big hugs to you and J.

  15. Tara, I am so sorry you are dealing with this. I will be thinking of you and your family. Please let me know if you need anything

  16. Reading your blog made me cry, I’m so sorry you are going through this, my heart aches for you and your family.

  17. Lots and lots of hugs.

  18. What a nightmare! I’m really, really sorry for you. I hope and pray that this all ends quickly and you can get back to a normal life! Damn that super-sperm!
    Love ya!

  19. I just clicked here from the Bump boards…I know exactly what this is like, going through it too, and here to tell you that it *does* get better, it *can* get challenging, and hang in there – because as long as it may seem now, you *will* be at zero and back to normal. The emotions can run such a gamut, though – at least for me, they do. I saw the heartbeat twice, was feeling pretty comfortable by the time we got to the third u/s, and was just totally floored that there was no heartbeat – and then the molar pregnancy dx to boot? It’s like a loss on top of a loss. It sucks.

    I am so sorry for your loss. Feel free to reach out if you need to connect with others in the same boat…

  20. I just came over from the Bump as well. I had a partial molar pregnancy August 2009, and know the pain and fear of it all. I am currently going through my 3rd m/c, and wanted to let you know that it is so helpful to read about others who understand. Thank you for being courageous enough to write about it.


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