Just an update, if you care to know

I went to the doctor yesterday for my follow-up visit. I should have known it wouldn’t be great news when one nurse came out and told me the doctor was running 40 minutes behind and would I like to reschedule?, followed by the other nurse who told me the doctor really wanted to talk to me about my results and would I mind hanging around?

So an hour and 15 minutes after my scheduled appointment, I got the news. Pathology (who knew they did pathology tests on this sort of thing? Not me.) showed I had a partial molar pregnancy. Apparently, this means two sperm fertilized the egg at the same time, so I was growing an embryo that was doomed from the start – too many chromosomes, not a chance in hell of ever making it. This was strangely comforting. An answer is an answer, after all, and now my dear dear husband is more convinced than ever that his sperm are indeed AMAZING. I mean, how else could TWO of them have done the job? (God bless his ability to make me laugh at my lowest times.)

Here’s what comes next: weekly blood draws until my hcg (the pregnancy) hormone goes down to zero and stays at zero for three weeks in a row. This could take anywhere from 2-8 weeks. Yippee. Here’s what can go right (for the sake of being positive): in a few weeks, the hcg is gone. Two full cycles after that, we can try for another baby. Here’s what can go wrong at this stage (because let’s face it, that’s who I am): my hcg levels can plateau out, never reach zero, or even rise. That’s because the molar part of the whole mess can actually grow back. It can grow like cancer until it invades other organs and could quite possibly, for lack of a more official medical term, fuck my shit up. If those levels don’t do what they are supposed to do, I have chemotherapy. That’s right, chemo. I just hope my hundred-dollar hair doesn’t fall out.

And in a recent, and very exciting (NOT) development, this morning I started passing tissue and bleeding heavily – more than a full WEEK after I stopped. Do you know what it’s like to look at those clumps and know what it was? To wonder which part of what that is? If you do, I’m very very sorry. If you don’t, I hope you never ever ever ever do.

So. Here is my most powerful thought: When the FUCK will this end? I mean, seriously??!!? I would like to move on, thankyouverymuch. I don’t want to even go to the bathroom. I would prefer NOT to have blood drawn every week – and really, who has time for that? I got those orders on Wednesday and I will not get there until tomorrow. I don’t want a weekly reminder of what went wrong. I don’t want to have to entertain the idea of pumping my body full of killer chemicals.

Lest I be accused of feeling ungrateful, I would like to point out that I have two perfectly healthy and beautiful and wonderful children, for whom I am so thankful. I am married to the most supportive, giving, and understand man to ever walk the planet (I shudder to think what my ex would have done here). I know I am lucky to have good health insurance to help defray these costs. I am alive. I am working. I am generally happy. I KNOW that these things are good. But they won’t give that baby a chance to live. They won’t allow me to go back in time and only let one sperm fertilize that ill-fated egg.

So there it is. This blog, that started as a place for me to bitch about stupid kids, has become a place for me to talk about what might possibly be the most confounding and deeply personal thing to ever happen to me. I have had less trouble making peace with the death of my own mother. So that “all because” has taken on a whole new meaning for me… and I want to thank all of you who have taken the time to remind me that the world only continues on all because of the kindness of the human heart.

20 Comments

Comments RSS TrackBack Identifier URI