I know I promised to be better

and I haven’t. Sorry. We’ve entered the dead time of the year. Kids are sick of school. Teachers are sick of school. We haven’t had a day off – technically – since Labor Day. Thanksgiving feels about a light year away.

So imagine my joy at one just one, but TWO snow days last week. Yep, we were victimized by the first snow of the season. We ended up with close to 20 inches in our backyard and it was gorgeous. Cold, beautiful, pure whiteness. And now in true Colorado fashion, it’s gone. It was in the 60s yesterday. But I digress…

As a bullet point review (and as proof that we really do actually leave the house once in a while):
*I went to see Rob Thomas and reinforced my commitment to the fact that if the man showed up on my doorstep, I would go anywhere with him. My good God Lord…I only get this excited (okay, not quite) for one other man in my life.
*The snow days resulted in the cancellation of two events, so that was a nice break, but now our student council room is overflowing with leftover candy – not good when you realize you are literally (yes, my pants have gotten tighter the past two weeks) getting fatter by the day.
*We went to my mother-in-law’s house on Friday. Nothing to report. We then went to Megan’s first volleyball game on Saturday. Not much to report – they’re not that good, and the volleyball coach in me was SCREAMING, but I said nothing and cheered for my daughter. I won’t be that parent, but apparently her father will be. :::insert annoyed eye roll here::: She doesn’t need weights. She’s 12 – even joking about her body at this point is beyond stupid, you idiot.
*Halloween. Ahhh…it was okay. We had a ton of kids, which was fun. Then we watched videos of infant-sized Ryan. Oh, man. It amazes me to look back and realize that she’s been this way – this funny, spirited, can’t-not-look-at-herself-in-any-reflective-surface – since she was born, even before she was born.

But then in true fashion I realized that I SHOULD be about to have a baby. Frickin’ awesome. I try hard not to go there, but it’s a challenge. I try hard not to care, but it’s torture. I try hard to move past it, but it’s almost impossible. I feel like just one loss would have been doable – I mean, just one is…just one. So I’m trying to focus on the two children I DO have, but even that makes me crazy. Exhibit A: “I already have two kids. I ALREADY HAVE TWO KIDS. So why the HELL can’t I seem to have another one?” Exhibit B: when people on the online community to which I am addicted announce their pregnancies or births, I have to try VERY hard to post something nice. (sorry to those of you who are here – it’s not you, I promise) Exhibit C: pregnant people are everywhere. Seriously. There was even one in the SRO section of Five for Fighting last night. Gah.

Speaking of which – if you ever get the chance to go to a show at the Soiled Dove Underground in Denver, DO IT. Amazing venue.

Okay, I’m off to enjoy my new Snuggie. Yep. I bought one. It’s green. And now I won’t be cold when I type, so maybe I’ll type more.



  1. Every time you write a blog post it’s like I could have written it myself. I try hard not to go there too, but I end up there every time. My successes are only in how long I can stay positive before I crash again. You’re doing great just by living your life, remember that.

    re: the board, I’ve had to impose a mandatory break on myself. I miss it because I was just getting comfy, but I can’t handle it right now.

    It sounds trite, but my heart hurts for you. I am barely keeping my head above water right now with one loss, I can’t imagine two. I wish I could make it all better for both of us.

  2. Right there with you on A,B&C. Somehow we’re supposed to be so thankful for the kid(s) we have that we feel no pain. But it doesn’t work that way. HUGS!

  3. I know I didn’t have kids before M&W, so I probably don’t count, but I felt the same way when Jeff and I were having TTTC. Pregnant women EVERYWHERE, baby shower announcements monthly, and random bitches showing up on the Nest just to announce their little bundles of joy (ummm excuse me, who are you?). It all got to be too much.

    Sadly, I still get jealous of those who get pregnant right off the bat. Or right off the bat with #2 (or 3 or 4)…I think that when you’ve struggled, that feeling is just there. With you. Nothing you can do to make it go away.

    I’m so sorry buddy…I hate when you’re hurting.

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