I’ve become bitter

I have tried really hard not to be bitter. I have made a conscious effort to remind myself that I used to bitch about the most mundane shit without a single thought of what other people might be experiencing. I go out of my way to try to be nice to people about their concerns and complaints.

It’s so hard. When people complain about their pets, or their cars, or their parents, or their papers, or their homework, or their feet aching, or their tv, or their laundry, or their living arrangements, or even their sex life, I just want to come back with this:

At least (in list form, of course, we all know I like lists)
*You haven’t lost two babies this year.
*You don’t look at your bank account on the 6th day of the month and see that it’s already empty and won’t be full again until the 21st of the month.
*You don’t have to ditch out of your work Christmas party because you’re a) too broke to pay the dues to fund said party and b) too proud to tell anyone the real reason you can’t go (you’re too broke) and be the charity case of the party because “it’s not a party if you’re not there.”
*Your oldest child isn’t going to not want to move in with you.
*Your clothes fit.
*You don’t look at yourself in the mirror and wonder where the real you went.
*You don’t hate your body for fucking betraying you month after month.
*You don’t have to pretend that you’re happy for people when you’re not every. single. day.
*You’re probably getting a Christmas present from your spouse/significant other this year.
*Said spouse/significant other will also make sure you get something “from the kids.”

Now, like I said, I know everyone is fighting a battle of their own, and mine is no more special. But it’s special to me, and it is the hardest part of every day for me to not scream it to the world. I don’t like this person. Every once in a while she takes a vacation and the me I love comes back around, but not enough. I wish this bitter bitch would pack her fucking bags, and take the whole mess with her.

Ultimately, I suppose the lesson I should learn is humility and grace in all situations. I should be supportive of others in their journeys. I should give what I expect. I just can’t do it yet.

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8 Comments

  1. Well, if it makes you feel even a *smidge* better, here’s a list of my own:

    * I could bet my life that our financial situation is worse than yours (-student loans)
    * I can’t fit into any of my clothes, other than the one pair of “fat jeans” I kept
    * I’m definitely not getting a present from Jeff this Christmas (nor is he from me)
    * Hell, our boys aren’t even getting gifts for their first Christmas (from us anyway)
    * I’m still SUPER bitter when people get knocked up right off the bat
    * I’ll probably always feel that way

    Will I see you on Sunday???? Love and miss you, bud

  2. I just want you to know I love you. My body betrays me too – in a different way but how unfair is it for me to have lupus and not be able to stand heat and sun exposure??? Did God not know I was building my lifelong dream of raising and training horses when he did that?? (I can’t stand the cold either – circulatory issues). I have to guess that God wanted me to do something different. And….though we had already decided 2 was enough, more babies are out of the question for my body, my blood, as well. Control freak that I am, I would’ve preferred to make that choice and not have it mandated by my health and my specialist. Financially, we are fine – the trade off being that the love of my life (and you know how I feel about that man – still exactly the same as I have since I was 15 and probably even more enamored) has to work out of town all week – sometimes 6-7 days a week and 12-14 hr days plus run a side company here at home. He has no free/down time for us. We don’t spend leisurely weekends watching movies, he doesn’t go to teacher conferences, he rarely gets to play catch in the yard with his boys.
    So…those are some of my “crosses to bear” – I guess we all do have them and I’m not sure that make it any easier. (and….I’m still not organized enough to make a list – so mine is in the form of a jumble of run on sentences, composed like and English teachers nightmare!)

  3. I won’t bore you with my list, but I feel the EXACT SAME WAY! Month after month. It sucks! I try really hard not to put it on other people. I guess that is one of the reasons I’ve felt so isolated lately. Hugs! I’ll be thinking of you and remembering that I’m not the only one that feels this way.

  4. I love you. And I can relate in many ways to what you’re saying, so I want you to know you’re not alone, so don’t be afraid to bitch to me about it. And I love you.

  5. Aw sweetie. every day is a battle and every battle is hard. I hope someday it will be more of a skirmish than a battle for you again, and I hope 2010 is as full of blessings as 2009 was full of….well yeah.

    I think about you a lot and I hope your bitter bitch moves out soon.

  6. 2010 is going to be your year. i just know it!

  7. Sending lots of hugs your way. I completely understand how it feels to have the hopeless miserable bitch take over you life. I hope things start looking up for you soon so that you can send her packing.

  8. Big hugs…. I’m really hoping 2010 is good to you.


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