first I feel good

then I don’t.

I’m amazed by how I can be rolling along in my day feeling good about school, about Ryan, about running, about my lunch, and then just one stupid little arbitrary thing- maybe a word, a look, a thought, a song – can send me back into the hole.

That hole? It’s sandy. It’s slippery. It’s dark. It’s lonely. When I try to climb out, it takes every ounce of my willpower, focus and energy to keep from falling back down with the dirt. On most days I feel like my upper body is on firm ground, my hands clutching the grass as my legs dangle above an empty chasm. Other days? Days like today? I plummet to the bottom, and as I fall, I see the claw marks of my last escape, and I swear the hole is getting deeper every time I fall.

How is this possible? How can I keep coming to the edge of escape only to fall back into the abyss? How can I continue this mental and emotional torture? How can I pull my legs up, brush off my hands, find the nearest shovel and fill in the hole? My mind knows full well that I am the only one who can do this for myself. There will be no rope ladder. There will be no deus ex machina. I won’t discover footholds in the wall. I know now why the worst prisoners get put in these holes. I know now what they can do to a mind. This is my hole, my misery. I have to find a way out.

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7 Comments

  1. Tara- I’m worried about you! Is there someone you can talk to? Hang in there!

  2. Hey Tara- You’re scaring me! You need to go talk to someone. There are meds that really take that feeling away.

  3. Tara, want to get coffee or do Cafe Vino this week? tonight? Maybe just for an evening you can stand on my shoulders and get out of the hole. I’m sorry you’re feeling this way, I’m sorry it sneaks up on you, and I’m sorry 2009 has sucked so much.

    I’m serious about tonight, I bet we could get a group together. Send me an email or page me and I will make it happen.

  4. I wish we could have talked more on Sunday. There are a lot of good resources out there to help with stuff like this. You have many people that love you and are ready to throw the rope down for you to climb up.

    Since you enjoy lyrics, reading this reminds me of “The Wall” by Kansas. Have a good day my dear. Love you.

  5. Oh Tara! I hate knowing that you are feeling this way and being helpless to share my shoulder to cry on, my wine to share, etc. etc. Please know that I am thinking of you and praying for you too. I agree with the other posts, please don’t think you are alone and take the offers of friendship on the table. Love you T.

  6. I’m so sorry but I totally empathize with you. You’re not alone. I think of you often and wish I could make it all better for you. I don’t know if you ever interested in hormone treatments (pills) but they’ve helped me a lot recently. Let me know if you ever want details. Big hugs….

  7. No advice because I SOOOO know what you’re talking about.


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