That whole control thing

Sometimes I wish I was a person content to float along through life. I suspect it would save me a significant number of hours of worry and stress and sleeplessness.

But thanks to having a mother who died when I was 8 and a father who basically for the next 9 years shuffled me and my sister to various relatives and an ex-husband who tried to both physically and mentally own me, I have control issues. 

The most difficult thing I face in my profession, in my marriage, in my parenting, is first recognizing that I cannot always control a situation and then relinquishing the desire to control it.  I take things too personally much too often.  I carry around guilt that doesn’t belong to me (or anyone, for that matter).  I find comfort in the familiar and expected.  Change frightens the bejeezus out of me.  I obsessively plan travel.  I obsessively plan my days.  I crave a schedule.  I twitch when things don’t go the way they’re supposed to go. 

There are wonderful things about this, however.  I tend to follow through on tasks. I am loyal to a fault. I fight fiercely for the things I am passionate about.  I work hard to achieve my goals. 

What stinks about being this person is that when I come to a point in my life – like now, like today, like this very minute – where I feel like I have no control, I have no point of reference for coping.  I don’t have the complete faith in a higher power to trust that my life is being guided.  I don’t have pithy quotes to recite and I don’t have the breezy attitude that I see in the people who never seem upset. 

This post, for those of you wondering, is strictly about my career. I want to try something new.  I want to do something different.  But I’m afraid of change.  I’m afraid that people will think I’m a fraud.  I have such little control over this right now that I…I can’t even write it. I truly believe there is a balance of free will and fate for all of us. I know in my  head that there is only so much I can do about any given thing and I have to have faith that my best is enough.

I know I need to let go.  I need to listen to my “people” – the ones who tell me, “why not?” and “A man’s heart deviseth his way: but the LORD directeth his steps” – and just let go.



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